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I am really bad at blogging.

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So bad, in fact, that I decided to start my entire blog with one of the more clichéd blog titles in existence.

Meta-joke aside, I have a horrible tendency to start a blog only to heartlessly cast it aside after only a few posts, then rediscover it several months later and feel like an utter failure. (I can’t share any links with you, as I deleted them all out of painful embarrassment, but suffice it to say there are at least three specific examples of this occurring.) In an attempt to prevent this from happening again, I’ve tried to identify the main causes of my blogging impotence:

  • No one reads it. I admit, I’m partially in it for the personal validation. I’m also notoriously bad at personal journaling – if no one’s reading it, I don’t see any reason to take the time to write pages and pages for myself. When I was younger, I was way better at this. I think it’s because I really didn’t see any other output for my (desperate, painful, secret, teenage) emotions, and I found it incredibly difficult to share my emotional vulnerability with others. On the flip side, though, I’ve adapted somewhat by discounting and/or dismissing my feelings, which just leads to them re-appearing down the line. But I’m straying from my original point: I need some sort of external source of accountability for my writing. I absolutely respect those who don’t, but I do.
  • It’s a lot of work. Part of my reluctance to blog long-term is the fact that it takes me a pretty long time to write something. I wish I were a faster writer, I really do, but I self-edit so much that I sit staring at my screen, trying to come up with the perfect way of phrasing something. (And yes, this totally bit me in the ass when writing long term papers.) For me, writing is like exercise: it takes a lot to get me motivated enough to start, but once I’m done, I’m incredibly grateful that I did it. I think that, like exercise, this should in theory get better with time. One day, I’d like to write like a motherfucker, but that day hasn’t come just yet.
  • Corollary to the previous point: I have better things to do. I was in high school, trying to do well in my schoolwork so I could get into a good college. I was in college, working my ass off both in class and out. I’m in medical and graduate school, and I think – I think – one of my goals is to be in Alpha Omega Alpha, the medical honors society. The point is, there’s always something higher on my priority list. I’m also a horrible procrastinator, at times, and the resulting panic tends to push blog-writing and other writing for enjoyment even further down on that list.
  • The overarching theme? I don’t think I, or my writing, is worth the time it takes to write a blog. Which, if you think about it, is an intensely personal thing to write in one’s inaugural post on a blog. And it certainly sounds like I’m fishing for a compliment, which I’m not. I hate compliments. No, instead, it’s a thing I need to both personally and publicly recognize. I’ve been trying to identify those self-destructive thoughts which have insinuated themselves into my subconscious existence and undermined my success. Acknowledge them. Accept them. Let them go. And while of course I’d like to write a blog that interests other people, I’m also writing for myself, as any other blogger is, really.
All of that personal nonsense aside, I did want to mention what I’d like this blog to be. I’m a scientist and a medical student, and of course I’m going to write about my personal experiences as well as my thoughts on the role of science and medicine in society. But I also sing, a lot, and I cook and eat, also a lot, and I watch television and read books when I can. Like basically every twenty-something before me, I’m learning how to be a real person, too, and I’m going to act like I’m the only one who’s ever done it. I don’t want this blog to have a single topic (though god knows single-topic blogs take up a good amount of my procrastination time), and so it won’t.
And now I think I’m finally ready to go tackle that most annoying of tasks: describing my 3-5 “core values” so I can share them with my learning group during medical school orientation on Monday.

Written by calculusgirl

August 6, 2011 at 3:41 pm

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